There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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