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im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
