i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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