what day is it and did you see me today?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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