I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
