Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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