The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
