Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How does it feel to date your dad?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
