i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
