she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Houston, we have a squirter
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
