apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
