Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
