he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
