I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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