i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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