for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize