Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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