Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
