I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
