a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
