Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
