I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
