i would punch a child for taco bell
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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