Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
