1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
