Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
