Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he was CRYING into my vagina
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
