Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize