Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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