Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize