dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I lost the right to judge tonight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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