That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
