So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
