She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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