I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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