I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
