i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
