wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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