And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
