Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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