Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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