I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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