there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
