Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you will always have a special place in my vag
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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