Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
