I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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