3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
