Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
