It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
two words...techno handjob
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
