she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
