Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
