Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
