Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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