I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dick very happy bro
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
