So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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